[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
every single time
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon