Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?