My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
saw this in a dream
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
This why you should mind your business
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
🍛
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people