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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.