My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid