[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.