Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
こいつ天才
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma