A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Mission: Impossible
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls