read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You Might Also Like
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.