I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You Might Also Like
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.