Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”