Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
You Might Also Like
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
True?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here