MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Children of the corn 🌽
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Why am I like this?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
philosophical skeletons be like
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I have so many questions.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script