Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Breaking news:
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”