People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday