I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ok this is my dumbest yet
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens