Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Challenge accepted.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Livid.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.