The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Natural selection at its finest
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.