(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.