My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.