Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
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my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no