Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
We avoided this particular disaster
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now