If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting