Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.