[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Word!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…