Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.