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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys