Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March