YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.