18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
selfie game
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
it’s either covid or clever vampires
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie