[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
my first dose meeting my second
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on