My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
welp
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.