If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.