Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.