My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off