Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru