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the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.