Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You Might Also Like
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.