Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.