Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
accurate
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online