“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
You Might Also Like
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Not today.. 😂
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I wanna be friends with this person
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
🤣🤣🤣
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”