Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.