Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
#NeverForget
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.