JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.