I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.