You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad