Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards