5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.