If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.