*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I wish I could veto my bills.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Oh we’ve met.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.